


Who Am I to Say [I'm Always Yours]

by ihaveplates



Category: B.A.P, K-pop
Genre: M/M, for thenewlondoner, round 2, thebrowniebunch fic exhange, wedding worries
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-16
Updated: 2013-09-16
Packaged: 2017-12-26 17:16:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,019
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/968479
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ihaveplates/pseuds/ihaveplates
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jongup isn't sure that Himchan is as invested in this as he is.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Who Am I to Say [I'm Always Yours]

**Author's Note:**

> Originally written for thenewlondoner at TheBrownieBunch Fic Exchange, Round 2 on LiveJournal. Beta'd by suitofarmour. Title lyrics from Ellie Goulding's “This Love (Will Be Your Downfall).”

The hotel room was warm, the Canadian sky was alight with the colors of sunset, and Moon Jongup was staring into space while his best friend and best man, Choi Junhong, hung up their tuxedos on the back of the hotel room door. Junhong was in the highest of spirits, happy to be halfway around the world and happy to be supporting Jongup; Jongup, however, was considerably less cheerful, which was unusual considering it was his situation that was cause for celebration.

“Tomorrow's the big day,” Junhong sang, turning away from the tuxes. He bumped Jongup and gave his arm an encouraging squeeze. “How do you feel?”

Jongup brought his attention back down to Earth. “I feel good,” he said. It was a complete lie, though. Good was about the farthest thing from what he was really feeling right now. He felt more like someone had dumped his stomach into a tub full of ice water and waited until it was frozen solid to shove it back into his body. Not to mention nervous, anxious, and terrified, besides.

“Just think,” Junhong went on. “This time tomorrow you'll be a married man.” He laughed at the idea. “Who would have thought, huh?”

“Yeah, who would have thought,” Jongup agreed. Who would have thought that at age twenty-six he'd already have a steady job, be renting his own apartment, and be getting married—to a man, no less. He was willing to bet no one would ever have thought up that last bit. 

“Are you sure you're okay, hyung?” Junhong asked, a concerned look on his face. “You look a little peaky.”

Jongup shook his head vehemently. “I'm fine, Junhong-ah, I swear.”

Junhong didn't look convinced, but he shrugged anyway. “If you say so,” he said, flopping onto his bed. To keep in line with western wedding superstitions, he and Jongup were sharing the room until tomorrow night, when Jongup would be moving into the honeymoon suite with his fiancee. “Just remember to enjoy yourself. This is your wedding, after all.”

“Of course.” His wedding. His and Himchan's. This was supposed to be a happy time.

So why couldn't he shake this feeling of dread?

 

Late that night, after Junhong had gone to sleep, Jongup slipped out of the room and quietly walked down the hall. There was a common room for guests on this floor, and he headed there, hoping it would be empty at this time of night. He was too freaked out to sleep properly.

It wasn't like he was getting cold feet or anything. It wasn't himself he was worried about. He knew exactly where his heart was, and that was with Himchan. Beautiful, talented, outgoing Himchan, the first person he'd ever told about his sexuality, who brought him out of his shell, who always knew the right thing to say. Himchan was everything he had ever wanted. They'd been together for three years now, and in that time, Jongup had fallen so deeply in love with him that he couldn't ever come back up again. But did Himchan feel the same? Did Himchan really want to go through with this?

Jongup reached the empty common room and sat down on one of the couches to fret. It was a little late in the game for this, but he couldn't help it. He kept imagining a scene in which he was alone in the courthouse, with Himchan nowhere to be found. He'd even dreamed about it a few times, and the dreams were ten times worse because Junhong and the justice of the peace were there, but they would get angry at him for wasting their time, and Jongup would feel not just hurt, but embarrassed as well. The dreams were so upsetting that he would jolt awake in the middle of the night and be unable to get back to sleep.

The two of them had always been a happy couple, and while no relationship was perfect, theirs included, nothing had ever been serious enough to make Jongup doubt it. He didn't even know when he had started having these fears, but now that they'd had settled in, he couldn't shake them at all.

And the thing was, if Himchan had asked him, instead of the other way around, Jongup wouldn't be worried at all. Kim Himchan didn't waste his time asking for things he didn't actually want; that was time he could spend getting things he did want. But Jongup was the one who proposed, and that raised all kinds of potential problems. Because what if Himchan only said yes because he didn't want to hurt Jongup's feelings? Jongup didn't doubt for a second that Himchan cared about him, but loving him, especially enough to marry him, wasn't necessarily the same thing. Three years seemed like a long time to him, but Himchan might consider it too soon for marriage. He might not be interested in marriage at all, might think it was a childish idea. What if Himchan had finally realized that Jongup was too young for him, or that Jongup simply wasn't the kind of person he wanted to spend the rest of his life with? 

Jongup glumly picked at a loose thread in the couch. Himchan had been acting so strangely in the past few weeks, like he was constantly distracted. If any of the things Jongup was considering had crossed Himchan's mind, Jongup couldn't blame him. They were probably all true. He was young, and proposing was probably naïve. He just loved Himchan so much that he wanted to be with him always. But then, that could be the problem. Maybe someone older and wiser, like Himchan, saw an end to this relationship.

People changed all the time, and at inconvenient times. If Himchan decided he didn't want to marry Jongup, Jongup wouldn't hold it against him, but if he wasn't there at the courthouse when Jongup arrived, he didn't know what he'd do.

“Why are you sitting in the dark?”

Jongup jumped and searched for the owner of the voice, relaxing when he found him. Himchan was standing in the doorway, hair disheveled and eyes red from disrupted sleep. He looked for all the world like a model straight out of a sleepwear ad, which Jongup thought was totally unfair, because he knew he didn't wake up looking like that. Not for the first time, he wondered how someone so perfect could be with someone like him. Himchan assured him that he was handsome and cute, but even if that were true, Himchan was on a different level. A much higher, unattainable level.

Even so, Jongup felt a little better as he watched Himchan make his way over, a shadow of a smile forcing its way out. Happiness was a knee-jerk reaction to Himchan's presence. 

“Junhong says it's bad luck to see the bride before the wedding,” he said as Himchan took a seat next to him. 

Himchan kissed him in response, short but sweet, just enough to make the room spin. “Guess it's a good thing neither of us is a bride.” He squeezed Jongup's arm before wrapping his own around his shoulders, and the two of them sat there in the dark for a moment without speaking. Jongup felt comfortable, the warmth of Himchan's body lessening his anxiety some. It would be easy to pretend this way, to erase Himchan's question with a kiss and an excuse, to tell himself he forgot why he was afraid in the first place.

Himchan glanced over and nudged him gently, as if he could sense Jongup's feelings. “What are you doing out here?” he asked softly. “You should be in bed.”

It would be easy to pretend, but there would always be that what if. What if.

Revealing the truth sooner rather than later was best for both of them. But how could Jongup even broach the subject without sounding accusatory or overly needy? Jongup really just wanted to let the problem resolve itself. All he had to say was Shouldn't you be in bed, too? and light banter would redirect the conversation for him, but he'd never outright lied to Himchan before, or hidden anything important from him. And there was no reason to start now. What was the worst that could happen? If Himchan didn't want to marry him, it wouldn't necessarily break them up. Even if it did... well, it would be better to find out the truth now than in a few years or so, when they were both miserable and there was no way to save anything between them. 

“I couldn't sleep,” Jongup murmured. “Too worried.” 

“About what?” 

Jongup struggled to start, and Himchan nudged him again. “Hey. Tell me.”

“If someone didn't like someone anymore, they would tell them, right?” Jongup asked. “I mean, that's the right thing to do, right?” He tried to phrase it neutrally, but Himchan would probably guess he was talking about him.

There was a beat of silence, then Himchan slowly removed his arm. Jongup watched him tensely as he drew into himself and looked away, knitting his fingers together. Then he sighed, and Jongup felt something in his chest clench painfully. A reaction like that could only mean one thing: he was right, and Himchan thought this was a mistake. His eyes burned, and he bit the inside of his cheek to hold it all back. It was what he expected, but it still hurt. He didn't know it would hurt this much. He inhaled slowly, holding himself together, preparing himself for what Himchan was going to tell him. 

“It came to this,” Himchan finally said. He must have realized that Jongup had guessed the truth. “I almost didn't think it would, but it did.” He sounded sad. Jongup bit harder, forcing himself to stay strong and not break down. The truth hurt, but it wasn't wrong, and he didn't want to make Himchan feel guilty for it. 

“What do you mean?” he managed to ask. 

Himchan rubbed his face and then his hair, agitated. Jongup instinctively reached out. Even if his heart was about to be broken, he didn't want Himchan to be upset about it. He may have been young, but he was an adult, and he would get over it—eventually. But Himchan waved his hand away. 

“Hyung...”

“Just spit it out already,” Himchan said sharply. “You don't want to marry me, do you?”

Jongup blinked. “What?”

Himchan's expression was caught somewhere between anger and hurt. “You changed your mind, right? I wish you had told me before we bought the tickets and paid for the hotel room, but I guess it's better late than never. Just say it honestly, Jongup: you don't want to marry me after all.”

No!” Jongup cried. Himchan's face fell further, and Jongup quickly corrected himself. “I mean, yes! I mean...” This was not the way he thought things were going to happen. He stopped and started over again. “I thought you didn't want to marry me!”

Himchan's eyebrows disappeared into his hair, an unexpected and impressive feat in Jongup's mind. “Why in the world would you think that?” he demanded.

Jongup averted his eyes. “Because... maybe you only said yes because you didn't want to hurt my feelings... maybe I asked too soon, maybe you think I'm too young and stupid...”

“Jongup-ah,” Himchan interrupted. He took hold of Jongup's shoulders and looked him straight in the eye. “I'd never agree to something just to spare your feelings, and I don't think you're stupid.” His tone was firm and left no room for questioning.

“But then why—” 

“I thought you didn't want to marry me,” Himchan clarified. “Because you are younger than me. You're still young, and I'm not, and you still have your whole life ahead of you. You should be out in the world having new experiences, not tying yourself to one place and one person.”

Jongup tried not to laugh. Himchan sounded a little ridiculous, talking about youth and experiences like he was some kind of grandpa trapping a young boy. “Don't talk like an old man. You're only five years older than me,” he reminded him.

Himchan looked affronted at the “old man” comment. “And you're only twenty-six, so that doesn't seem like a big difference to you. But by the time you're my age, I'll be almost forty.” He rubbed his forehead earnestly, as if he could already feel wrinkles forming there.

Jongup raised an eyebrow. “Thirty-six.”

Himchan rained light, tiny punches down on Jongup's shoulder for his snark, and Jongup had the decency to look slightly apologetic. “I don't want you to wake up someday wishing you'd found someone your own age,” Himchan said seriously. “Or younger. Or female, for that matter.”

This time, Jongup laughed aloud. “Himchan, I've never been interested in girls, so put that out of your mind. As for someone younger than you...” He shook his head. It was obvious now that he and Himchan were worried about nothing. Jongup loved him, and he loved Jongup. “I’ve had plenty of time to look somewhere else if I wanted to. Years. But I didn't, because I don't care about how old you are.” He took Himchan's hand and squeezed it. “Just like you don't care about how old I am.”

Himchan grinned. “Are you kidding me? I'd be crazy to pass up a strapping youth like you.” He patted Jongup's abs to emphasize his point, making him wriggle, and then opened his arms for a hug. Jongup scooted into the embrace, wrapping his arms securely around Himchan. 

Himchan squeezed him tightly, his cheek brushing against Jongup's. “Are you sure you wouldn't rather marry someone who doesn't keep your relationship a secret?” he asked suddenly.

Jongup hadn't even thought of that. “I hadn't even thought of that,” he said, rubbing Himchan's back. “It always seemed to make sense to keep it a secret, with the way things are back home. And even though I love you,” he added, meeting Himchan's eyes, “and I'm proud to be with you... I'm not sure my parents are ready to know about you.”

“You make a lot of sense, Jongup-ah,” Himchan agreed. “So, does this mean I don't have to worry about showing up to an empty courthouse?”

That definitely wasn't going to happen. “As long as you're there, I'll be there,” Jongup promised. 

He was glad they'd met tonight. Now that they'd had this talk and everything was okay, he could focus on more important things. Like Himchan, and how sexy he looked with his hair messed up that way.

Himchan seemed to be of a similar mind. He cupped Jongup's face with one hand and pulled him into a passionate kiss, his other hand sliding up Jongup's thigh. Jongup responded eagerly, pulling Himchan closer and deepening the kiss.

Himchan hooked his fingers into the waistband of Jongup's pants, and Jongup broke away, panting slightly. “You should walk me back to my room.”

“You could always just come back to my room,” Himchan said, mouth trailing down Jongup's neck.

That was a tempting offer, and his body was more than willing to give in. But he held his ground. “Junhong will freak out if he wakes up and I'm not there.” He gasped as Himchan nipped at the sensitive skin at the base of his neck.

“Jonguppie,” Himchan whined, “why do you do this to me? Why don't you love me?”

With the last of his willpower, Jongup pushed himself off the couch and offered Himchan his hand. “I do. And I will prove it to you tomorrow.”

Himchan reluctantly allowed himself to be pulled up. “You owe me big-time tomorrow night, Jongup-ah.”

“Whatever you want,” Jongup grinned. “Himchannie,” he tacked on for good measure.

Himchan pulled him back. “If you say my name like that from now on, I'll forgive you,” he growled into his ear.

Jongup shivered. “Beauty sleep, Himchan.”

“Yeah, yeah.” Himchan was on his best behavior as he walked Jongup back to his room, their fingers tightly intertwined. Jongup wanted nothing more than to shove him against the wall and fuck him right then and there, but he doubted the other hotel guests would be happy about that. So he kept himself under control.

Himchan, however, did not, and pushed Jongup up against the door as soon as they reached it. Jongup savored the way he tasted, raking his fingers through Himchan's hair, relishing the way Himchan moaned into his mouth and pressed their bodies together. Himchan's hands roamed over his neck, his chest, his hipbones, and it was all Jongup could to to push Himchan's face away. His body protested at that, begging for more contact, to touched, to be kissed, for other things. “Beauty sleep,” Jongup reminded him.

“More important things,” Himchan managed, slipping his tongue back into Jongup's mouth. 

Jongup relented and let Himchan have his way for a minute before breaking off again. “If you wake up Junhong, you're dealing with him alone,” Jongup warned.

“Fine,” Himchan acquiesced, biting Jongup's bottom lip softly before releasing him. “But remember, Jongup-ah, you owe me.”

Jongup could live with that. He gave Himchan one last kiss. “Love you, Himchan,” he whispered.

“Love you too, Jongup,” Himchan whispered back.

Jongup finally tore himself away and opened the door as quietly as he could, sneaking back into his room. He hoped Junhong was still asleep. He was let down.

“Was that Himchan outside?” Junhong demanded as Jongup closed the door behind him.

Jongup winced. “Um, no?”

“Then where were you?” Junhong asked, suspicious.

Jongup scrambled for a good excuse. “I had to pee?”

“But there's a bathroom in our room.”

“Oh. I guess there is,” Jongup faked as he crossed the room and crawled into bed.

“Typical Jongup hyung,” Junhong muttered, rolling over. “Go back to sleep.”

Jongup chuckled to himself. What Junhong didn't know wouldn't hurt him. He pulled the blanket up to his chin and settled down for what was going to be a good night's rest. He had a big day tomorrow, and now he was looking forward to it.

**Author's Note:**

> Fun fact: Canada was the fourth country in the world, and the first country outside Europe, to legalize same-sex marriage nationwide.


End file.
